Do I phrase my statements as questions and then answer them? Of course I don’t.



No matter what you eat and how much you exercise, genetics and radioactive meteorite fragments will get you every time.


At Last

I came up with a simple cure for chronic self-loathing and depression, but then I realized my ideas are always lame and what’s the use in trying, anyway?



I’m sorry you’re an asshole.



I don’t believe in God. I believe in irony.


Bad Aphorism #112

It’s better to be wealthy, fit, and good-looking than dead. 


News Summary

Where are all of the promises that were set aside?

Paperwork and spoons: all that remains of shattered dreams and an old bridge

Why you should know, and you won’t

Kaufmann scores as Mabley fades, wholesale grocers risk everything

Yes you are! Experts say a lot of things can

New report: recent studies overstate opinions about polls

We say nascent when others lack the courage to do so

Neither the best or the disappointed, but there’s more (and less)

Everything you needed to

Why you want more fur (and we’re not talking about coats!)

It’s not a trajectory if Mr. Parrish says it isn’t

World to end in seven days—for this young man in Manchester